this gonna be a long entry cuz i din get to blog ytd
i smsed him ytd
telling him not to ask me to get over him cuz itx impossible
i said i'll only let go if he found a better girl
if not i'll hang on
and i'll always here for him.
i din cry for the past 2 days
well i almost did
i thought of each and every argument me and terry used to have
and how i wish and wish i could take them back
wishin i can take back every horrible word i said to terry
i pray and pray that terry would know my words are spoken out of anger
and my true feelings are not reflected
i tortured myself for the times i acted selfishly
where tiny lil' stuffs made me mad and i complain and complain to him
terry had been there to listen patiently
and i never hear a word of complain from him
until one day he couldn't bear my temper anymore
he chided and scolded me
telling me not to act like a princess
i chatised myself for walking away numerous times when i could have hugged him and apologize
i wanted to take back every moment i had been angry and hated myself
they had been such a waste of time
my routine is falling back into days of deep dark depression
den finally build up the strength to be positive and snap out of it for another few more days
but the tiniest and simplest thing would trigger my tears again
it was a very tiring process
and most of the time i couldnt be bothered battling with my mind
it is far stronger than any other muscle in my body
friends came and went
they can never rally understand what i am going through
but i'm thankful for the moments they have given me
sometimes helping me with the tears
sometimes helping me with the laughter
but even among the laughter there was something missing
i couldnt laugh heartily
i never seem to be truely happy
im tired of existing
what's the point of existing when there is no life in it?
each and everytime i dreamt of him i dont wan to wake up
it was only in the dreams can i touch and feel him
something i cant fulfil in real life
i feel so lost and alone
i cried for him
i cried for myself with big, thick, heaving sobs that hurt my ribs whenever i tried to catch my breath
i just wan terry back and not care about anything else
i dont care if i cant meet him
i dont care if he cant meet me
i juz wann him backk
back to me
in my heart
at least when i say "i love you"
he can feel it.
whenever i cry in the toilet muttering "i love you"
would he feel it?
he've been too busy to think about me
claims i've been messaging him so much that he wasnt even given a chance to think about me
but..
i never really message alot
i re-strained myself as much as possible
sometimes i really cant help it
i wanna know how he is
i was so used to caring about him
whenever he complains of anywhere being painful
i'll kiss it and hug him...
tellin him it'll be fine after sometime
and i'll watch it heal
whenever he complains of body aches
i'll help him massage
im so so used to him
i found myself immobile for a few hours
reliving every memory i had with him.
but he still chose to leave me...
i feel so lost...
so incomplete...
i wish and wish that he could cycle to my house one day at night
and just hug me
not saying anything else..
and i would just hug him back
kiss him for as long as i could
for some strange reason
i never wann to hug someone this tightly before
i just dont wanna let go
he had been part of me, part of my heart, part of my body, part of my soul
now all these had left me
i felt so lostt.
[this is not goodbye, this is starting over
if u wanna know
i dont wanna let go
so say it isnt so]
i miss you so much, do you?
