it suddenly dawned on me where my bad temper came from
just now my mother keep asking me if i wanted the spicy long beans
i said no.
she repeated herself thrice
and of cuz i get irritated already
dear shared with me one packet of nasi lemak
cuz we ate lots of instant noodles just now
then he left me ikan bilis without rice
den i complain lar
cuz eating ikan bilis alone is very salty wat
den my mother said just now ask u u dowan!
i was like
WAT! u ask nth about rice din ya
what the toot can!
den i heard her complaining to dad
say wat i throwing my temper around
den i realised where my temper come from
when i'm young
before joreen came to the world
or should i say
when she was only a few years old
i was the only child
and mum used violence against me
and i swear it's ultra violence
she used to punch me, slap my back thousands and thousands of times
using the feather duster all children hate
and hit my arms, my back, my legs
and left me with bruises all the way till next morning
and had to explain to my friends that i "fell"
even when those marks obviously came from the cane
when i was about 10 years old
i think i was educated about child abuse
and i reckon that was what i was suffering from.
i remember coming home with 64 marks for math
and i was hit like mad
and asked to kneel outside our gate
can she ever understand how humiliated i felt?
daddy was never home
he always came home at midnight
how do i tell him how much i suffered?
i always promise i will do better for my exams
i tell my mum this every year
yet studies got more and more difficult to cope
den she said you every year also said this
but did you do it?
i was so fcuking upset
i yelled, i will jump down right now!
she said, GO AHEAD!
and i remember when she raised her hand preparing to hit me
i would run and run my fastest to my room and hide at one corner
but she would always find me and hit and hit and hit me
like i was her 'chu qi tong'
or if i close the door and used my body to force it to close
she would use her 'tsunade' power and push open the door to hit me again
of cuz i say tsunade power, i was only a child then.
till one day i had the guts to close the door and locked it
i felt so triumphed.
but i still cried all the way
all those years i kept my pain inside
writing no dairies
telling no people
until i grow up
now, suddenly giving out all the anger i felt in the past
i know i wasn't the only one
some of my cousins had the same treatment from their mums
one even had an encounter with a knife
why do we have to suffer abuse?
and grow up to have this kind of temper that dear also had to endure from me?
i tried controlling
and changing
but it's in me!
only understanding my temper will help
cuz i always say sorry afterwards
right dave? and dear?
she's not even treating my sisters like what she did to me in the past
why is it so unfair??
anyway i will stop her if she does
i WILL call the police.
i shan't care
cuz i know how it hurts
to be always beaten up by your own mother.
and i was so innocently young, and naive.
i hated her when she asked me to clean up my own vomit
when i was so weak and sick.
i wanted her to be a mother whom i can speak to.
and love.
but she's nothing of it.
so yea
that's where my temper come from.
and i live happily ever after.
