and so i am pretty honest over here,
im in need of friends,
dont tag or sms to say u'll be there for me,
cuz in actual fact,
nobody was.
i went shopping,
i bought new clothes
and realise there was nowhere i could really go and wear this new top
nobody would comment how the new top looks flattering on me
some 'friends' might cackle with glee knowing i have no friends,
while some will feel guilty,
from young till now,
people who labelled themselves as my best friends
werent my best friends after a few years
as they found other best friends,
and held hand in hand.
i had no friends to share with my happiness, my sadness, my problems.
from young till now,
it was always my boyfriends whom i made my best friend
and when they left,
i was always at loss.
i want friends to go shopping with me,
i want friends to chill out with me at bars and pubs
i want friends to tell me how much they adore me,
i want to tell friends how much i love them.
but,
there isnt any.
i want to sing aloud at karaokes and be mad tgt
i want to hold their hands and hand in hand to walk the streets
i want to gossip as much as i could and laugh it over
but,
there isnt any.
i sound pathetic here and sounds as if im grabbing for attention
but no,
it has been in my heart for years
and years
ive been betrayed,
ive been abandoned,
and i abandoned my friends before too.
each time alan has his own activities,
i know i have been selfish asking him to abandoned his activities and be company for me,
but i know i shouldnt do that,
after all,
he needs his own time.
i cried for hours yesterday night
until i fell asleep.
when i realise i could not find anyone to call out.
when guys promised to be my friends and go out with me
(cuz im still better at communication with guys)
it isnt the same,
they dont score well at shopping,
do they?
they would always gather at one small corner of the shop,
and gossip or google at girls.
or finding seats.
unlike girls,
who tells you honestly what you look good at or what you dont
but never complain their legs are tired till the end of the day.
a couple of names will come up to your mind the moment you've been asked,
"who's your best friend?".
but i couldnt answer this.
i just couldnt.
everytime i feel i have some place in someone's heart,
i will suffer from disappointment thereafter.
so in the end,
i will grow old alone,
when my husband dies,
i shall die too.
friends who love me,
never really do.
i never had friends calling me to chat,
unless i asked them to.
i never had friends asking me how i am these days,
and how am i coping in school or work.
and ask me out for our favourite shopping.
yea. that's it.
but still,
thanks for the people who were there for me once,
although i know it will be just that once,
i have no secrets that only i knew,
i was not unique to anyone.
thanks alan dear,
for listening to me and hugging me when i heaved in sobs.
thanks for enduring my temper.
sorry for not telling you my problems straightaway
cuz i always believe guys would not understand.
im not pointing at anybody.
i just want to let it out.
